Homogenius
by katie-elise
Summary: L needs to know Raito's sexual orientation, for *ahem* purely professional reasons, so he devises a series of tests to 'scientifically' satiate his curiosity.


A/N: Pretty sure this idea hit me in the middle of CHM131... :P

Homogeneous

"Raito-kun, are you a homosexual?"

Raito raised his eyebrows and turned with painstaking slowness to face the man attached to him by 6 feet of sliver chain.

"Ryuzaki, that is potentially the stupidest question I have ever heard come out of your mouth".

"Incorrect. It is a completely valid inquiry, having to do with my catalog of Raito-kun's Kira-like characteristics".

_No_, Raito thought to himself, _I will not give him the satisfaction. Don't do it. Don't ask, just…don't…ahh, screw it_. "And why, precisely, are you assuming that Kira is, as you put it, 'homosexual'?

"I am glad Raito-kun asked", here Raito groaned internally, "because it has been the subject of much conjecturing on my own part.

"Homosexuals are more likely to feel the wrath of an unjust society, being the subjects of much misunderstanding and moral ridicule. Kira's objective is clearly to create an entirely just and equal Utopia, which leads me to believe he has felt some great injustices and moral inequalities in his life.

"Since I suspect Kira of being an intelligent, fairly wealthy young man with a stable family, there are few options left as to why he would be discriminated against. Being 'gay' is one of the most likely, as it is more common and more generally persecuted than the other remaining choices."

All Raito could do was stare in disbelief. L…had a point. Raito hated to admit it…but it really did make sense.

"Well, that is fairly logical."

"Precisely. So, if Raito-kun would kindly answer my question…?"

Raito blushed lightly and tilted his eyes downward. "I…I'm afraid I'm not sure. I've never exactly kissed a person of the same gender, and I kind of like kissing Misa, but I don't _love _it…"

"Fortunately for the investigation, I have secured appropriate measures for circumstances such as this".

"You expected me to not know whether or not I'm gay?"

"I merely had a hunch. Now, Raito-kun, I am going to pull up this survey online, and you will kindly answer the questions as I read them to you".

"_That's_ your plan?", Raito perused the first few questions of the rather dubious-looking survey.

"I am L. Do not question me".

Raito rolled his eyes, but complied. This was going to be humiliating, he could just tell.

"Ready, Raito-kun?"

"Ready as I'll ever be", Raito muttered.

"I do not appreciate the snide tone in Raito-kun's voice"

"Well I don't appreciate the condescending one in yours!"

"First question! Corn dog or Taco?"

"What kind of an idiotic question is that?"

"If Raito-kun does not take this seriously, I may be forced to quarantine him again"

"Corn dog".

"Which of these actors is your favorite? Rupert Everett, …"

"HIM".

"Okay…Brown shoes with a blue blazer?"

"Ugh, NO!"

"Have you ever made out with someone of the same sex?"

"No".

"Would you on a dare?"

"Yes".

"Do you like musicals?"

"Of course. Stupid question".

"Raito…"

"Alright, alright, next question".

"Have you ever dressed up in clothing of the opposite gender?"

"Well, yes, but…"

L clicked the 'yes' option without giving Raito a chance to explain and moved on. "Did you like it?"

"Umm, maybe?"

"Yes or no, Raito-kun?"

"…yes"

"Russel Crowe, hot or not?"

"Ew, not. He's all…_old_".

"Jessica Simpson?"

"Who?"

"…You appreciate female beauty, but would much rather have a big, strong man to be with".

"Ryuzaki, that test had absolutely no scientific merit what-so-ever. Not even one step of the scientific method was represented! What we really need is an experiment…"

"I am two steps ahead of Raito-kun, as always".

"…you have an experiment to test whether or not I'm gay, and you made me go through this survey first?"

"I would have preferred it if the survey was successful, as the experiment I have in mind is rather unprofessional"

"But it's accurate?"

"I believe so"

And with that, L, who had been scooting his chair closer to Raito's the entire time, leaned over and placed a light kiss on Raito's lips.

A/N: This is an actual test. NOT LYING. Also, my other stories...? Yeah. That kind of died. There's this thing, it's called COLLEGE. And I'm not getting any insane pleas for updates, so I'll just leave it be for now.


End file.
